Ghost of Relationships Past
Out of the clear blue sky, I received a DM from an ex. While I, at first, was curt but cordial, I ended our small talk upon noticing an all too familiar pattern in his way of discourse, something I like to call ‘fishing.’ I know you know what I am talking about. At the time, I was happily single and focused. A few weeks later, I received a text from an unsaved phone number I discovered was his only because messages from eons ago appeared in the thread above. I ignored it. Months later, fresh into a new relationship, my phone rang, and to my surprise, his full name stretched across the screen, thanks to the advancement of caller ID, which identifies the person trying to reach you even if their number isn’t saved. I let it ring. I was perplexed at why he still had my number, considering we hadn’t been together in a decade and had not really spoken for the last seven years. Part of me was amused, but mostly, I found it unnerving.
Aghast by a ghost of relationships past, I blocked him. Not that I was tempted by or still desiring him in any way, but because I had decided during my single girl days that the back-and-forth dance many do with their old flames was, more often than not, never worth the rekindling. Besides, I was looking forward to all things and people who would come into my life and help improve it. I had no desire to look or go back, and it felt great not to want anything from yesteryear or my lesser year. To arrive at that conclusion, I had to reach a certain level of healing along the walk down Love Life Lane, which relieved me, given how much pain I endured at the hands of each ex, including the fisherman.
I imagine that if I had not emotionally matured, the thought of entertaining his conversation and contact attempts would have appealed more to me, and this got me thinking about the importance of emotionally reaching The Point(e) of No Relational Return. Man or woman, we’d be much happier if we allowed ourselves the time to heal correctly. Returning to an ex has nothing to do with having love for them but attachment and convenience. Convenience may be comfortable but not comforting. Accepting seasons of solitude is the first step in the direction you want your life to go. While, at times, uneasy and painful, this stage is an ideal opportunity and invitation to love yourself more, which was something I wish I had learned sooner.
The love you give or have given to another is of no more importance than that you can give yourself. Once you’re individually complete, who stays or goes becomes secondary. This does not mean we should ignore or deny ourselves the need for companionship, partnership, and love. But it does mean that if internal work gets left undone, it won’t matter where one goes and with whom because that void will always be accompanying. Whatever your forms of self-care will inevitably attract the new, and the more one heals from the past, the less likely they will carry it around, especially into their next relationship.
Common sense teaches us how we handle the past affects our present and future. So, even if you move on to someone new, what you share and have built with them will be compromised and potentially ruined if you look the other way for meaningless, inexplicable reasons. In doing so, the new person in your life will ultimately pay for the pain they didn’t cause and the scars they weren’t responsible for. And every human has a limit, no matter how loving, reliable, and dedicated. Leave your past behind and those in it.
Notice how the past pulls a Jack-In-A-Box when you’re where or with whom you should be. This is no coincidence, but a test to see how much you have evolved emotionally. Keep looking ahead, leave the cobwebs where they are, wish them well, and love unconditionally, but ghost the spook imposing upon your festive seasons with ‘Boo.’ Rolling your progress and blessed present relationships across the table increases your risk of crapping out.
